You Put The Light In Me

The past few weeks have been difficult spiritually.  My heart has been feeling very restless lately - I'm not sure how to describe it.  It doesn't know what it wants...it doesn't know what God wants...and that has been frustrating for me.  I want to fully give myself to God in whatever He is calling me to, but I don't know what that is yet!  I want to move, but I don't know where to go/ feel like I have no where to go.  That was bothering me a lot the past few weeks.

It was hard for me to admit that I was angry.  I was angry with God! (Although clearly I have no right to be).  I knew God was working in my life - He always is...but I didn't think He was working in the places I wanted Him to work.  The sneaky sin of pride had reared its ugly head again.

I went to confession and was blessed with one of the most honest discussions I have ever had.  I expressed that I was angry and frustrated with God and that I was angry with myself - angry that as hard as I try to give all of my fear and anxiety up to God, I always seem to hold on to a little piece every time. That little piece grows and grows until my heart is filled with fear and anxiety again.  I don't know how to stop myself from doing that.  My priest smiled and said, "Welcome to humanity."  It was perfect!

Those three words were the gateway through which God opened my heart to a new realization that day.
This wasn't the first time that my heart had felt this way.  Before I knew Christ, my heart was restless.  It was a similar feeling...I didn't know where I was going, I didn't know where I wanted to go.  But I have one thing now that I didn't have then: Hope.  I have hope in Christ...that He will lead me a guide me to wherever He wants me to go.  And despite all of my fears, anxiety, and stress that I can never fully release, I believe with all of my being that His love will take me through it all.  Christ gives me hope!  This hope and love will get me through these restless times.  And it has.  Just a day later prayers were answered and God brought me peace.  God is good!  All the time!

So through this long, convoluted, and confusing post, I have been trying to get to a song that has been resonating with me this week.  It's "The Light In Me" by Brandon Heath.  My favorite line - "You are the hope that leads me out of the dark."  This song speaks to my heart in a huge way.  God put the light in me and since that day I've never been the same.  Thank You, Lord for putting the light in my heart.  Thank You for always holding me, even when my humanity causes me to let go.  Thank You for giving me the hope that sustains me, the light that guides me, and the love that makes me whole.