The Desire of Love is to Give

"The desire of love is to give.  The desire of lust is to take."

The topic of love has been on my heart a lot lately.  It has just been resting there, making my heart a little heavier and my mind a little busier as the thoughts run through my head.  Usually when I write a post I know where it's going - how I'm going to start, what I want to say, the point I want to make at the end - but tonight I'm still unsure about what I want to say.  I thought I would just start writing and let the Holy Spirit take over if He so desires.  Maybe letting some of these thoughts out will make my heart less restless...

What is love?  Where do you find it?  How do you know when you've found it?  The world pummels us with images of love's perversion - lust - trying to pass it off as genuine love.  And the world can be rather convincing sometimes.  If you don't dig too deep, you see happiness.  What the world shows us is that lust, which they call love (even though it isn't), gives us the greatest freedom.  We can do what we want, when we want, how we want, to whom we want.  

I mean, this is what the greatest love stories are made of, right?  Boy meets girl at a bar.  Girl goes home with boy and hooks up.  They experience years happiness....well, hours of happiness.  But those few hours are just fine, because as the world sees it, all any of us are seeking is happiness in the very moment we are in.  Although it was temporary, it was worth it.  Live in the moment.  No regrets.  Right?  But what the world doesn't give you is a backstage pass...the only way you get to see what happens behind the scenes is if you live it yourself...experience the pain that comes with believing a lie.  Experience the emptiness, shame, loneliness, embarrassment, guilt that comes with using another to satisfy your immediate physical desires.  What the world passes off as the greatest freedom actually leaves us in chains.  We become slaves to the emotional poverty of our hearts, longing for the emptiness to be filled.

But this emptiness can never be filled by taking from another.  It can only be filled by fully giving of ourselves.  It is only by making the decision to empty our hearts for someone else that we can receive and be filled by what someone is freely offering us...what God is freely offering us.  This is love.

Love is a decision.  It is greater than the butterflies in your stomach, than the leaping of your heart when that person walks into the room.  True love is not a knee-jerk reaction to the way you have been treated or to what you are feeling.  It persists when the "warm and fuzzies" are gone, in environments that are hostile toward true love.  In all environments, in spite of all feelings, true love actively seeks the well-being of another.  True love gives of itself, even to the point of self-detriment, if it means that another may experience life more meaningfully.  To give everything that you could possibly give without expecting anything in return.

This is how our Savior loved us - it is perfect and beautiful.

Through writing and prayer, I'm beginning to get in touch with why love, true love, has been so intensely on my heart lately.  I want to love another that way.  I want my heart to be captured by true love, to give of myself, empty myself fully and completely so that another may experience the intensity of unconditional love.  As Christ sacrificed Himself so that we might have life and have it more abundantly, we too are called to sacrifice.  We give completely of our hearts, sacrifice ourselves, for our family, our friends, our spouse, our children, so that they might experience true life.

We bring others to Christ and encourage others along the narrow way through this self-sacrifice, through this love.  This decision to truly love is one that must be made each day, some days minute by minute.  But God continues to reveal to me that this is one of the deepest desires of my heart...I pray that I may love as He has called me where ever He leads me.

In His Love,

Lindsey

Small Things With Great Love

This past week, on May 10th, was the feast day of St. Damien of Molokai.  Born Joseph de Veuster in Belgium in 1840, he entered the Congregation of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary at age 19 and took the name Damien.  In May 1864, St. Damien was ordained a priest in Honolulu and assigned to the island of Hawaii.

St. Damien of Molokai

In 1873, St. Damien went to the Hawaiian government's community for patients with leprosy on the island on Molokai.  Originally, he was part of a team of four chaplains who were assigned there for 3 months out of the year.  Eventually, St. Damien asked to be assigned to the community permanently.  His request was granted.

St. Damien brought dignity and respect to a community that was originally just a place for people with leprosy to "live" until death.  He involved the patients in building houses, an orphanage, and a church.  He made the hospital larger and laid pipes for water.  He treated the physical needs of the patients, taking on the responsibility of cleaning and dressing their wounds.  He disregarded common medical practice at the time, eating with the patients, inviting the patients into his home, and touching them.  St. Damien gave the patients their dignity back by refusing to treat them as outcasts.  They were his brothers and sisters.

As a priest, St. Damien first and foremost tended to the spiritual needs of the community.  He scheduled prayer, meditation, Mass, the Divine Office, spiritual reading, and the Rosary into each day.  He also instituted perpetual adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.  Through all of St. Damien's spiritual labor, the number of catechumens increased by hundreds.

In 1884, St. Damien contracted leprosy himself.  Over the next 5 years, he continued to serve the members of the community even as the disease ravaged his body.  On April 18, 1889, on the Monday of Holy Week, St. Damien died at the age of 49 after serving the colony for 16 years.  St. Damien was canonized by Pope Benedict XVI on October 11, 2009.
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The first time I heard about St. Damien, I was deeply moved by his story and he quickly became one of my favorite saints.  He exemplifies in so many ways how to be a beacon of Christ's light here on earth...how to live our lives as God as asked us to: nothing short of Christ-like.

St. Damien gave his life for this community...he gave his life to bring them Christ.  Moving to Molokai permanently was essentially a death sentence.  St. Damien knew leprosy was contagious and knew that by dressing their wounds, eating among them, and living in such close proximity, it was almost guaranteed that he would contract leprosy and eventually die from it.  But he knew this is what they needed.  These people were the marginalized and unloved.  They had no one to care for them, no one who would see them as anything other than diseased.  Somewhere along the line, the fact that these people were children of God was forgotten.  St. Damien gave his life so that they might rediscover God's love for them.  Isn't this just what Christ did for us?  Isn't this what we should do for Christ?

The beautiful thing about this call is that we do not need to travel far to answer it.  The unloved and marginalized are, unfortunately, all around us.  The more we allow Christ to be a part of our lives, the more we see through His eyes, and the more we see those who are in need of an encounter with His grace.  We pray for the courage to reach out...to give of ourselves, some of our time, energy, and talents, to bring to love of Christ to every heart we encounter.

Yet knowing this, it still so often feels impossible.  When I look at the entire life of a saint, many times I become overwhelmed - "St. Damien subjected himself to a contagious, deadly illness to bring Christ to others.  If that's what it takes to get into Heaven, how am I ever going to get there?!"

But then I remember one of my favorite quotes of all time; a short and simple sentence by Blessed Mother Theresa: "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."  It wasn't one big act of love that made Father Damien a saint...St. Damien lived his life in that community doing small acts of great love.  These small acts of great love, once combined, add up to the entirety of St. Damien's life - a life filled with the greatest love, the love of Christ!  And if we commit our lives to extending the love of Christ to everyone we encounter, then haven't we too filled our entire lives with little acts of great love?  Small acts of great love throughout our lives = a life of great love.  God would never set us up for failure, so it is not impossible...we too can love like saints.

With the help of St. Damien's intercession, may we receive the grace to love beyond what we sometimes see as impossible:
Damien, brother on the journey,
happy and generous missionary,
who loved the Gospel more than your own life,
who for the love of Jesus left your family, your
homeland, your security, and your dreams,
Teach us to give our lives
with a joy like yours,
to be in solidarity with the outcasts of our world,
to celebrate and contemplate the Eucharist
as the source of our own commitment.
Help us to love to the very end
and, in the strength of the Spirit, to persevere in compassion
for the poor and forgotten
so that we might be good disciples of Jesus and Mary.
Amen.

In His Love,
Lindsey

Thank you to American Catholic and the Diocese of Honolulu for St. Damien's biography!  

Isaiah 53

As I gazed upon the open and empty tabernacle today, initially a great sadness filled my heart as I thought about how dark the world would be if the tabernacles were always empty...if the Eucharist never came to be...if Jesus never took on the weight of our sin and died to make us whole.  The thought made my world feel very dark and meaningless.  My heart felt as empty as the tabernacle I was looking at.  But I know the end of the story, and that feeling was replaced with the glorious hope of our faith - the joy of the resurrection.  The tabernacle would not be empty for long and our Lord has defeated death!  Life is not dark and meaningless - the sacrifice of Jesus fills the empty places in our lives with light and love!  The price of the cross has been paid so that we can be consumed by that love...we must never forget the cost.  

The Good Friday service brings the magnitude of Christ's love for us into the very front of our minds.  As the Passion story is read, I am reminded that it is the burden of my sin that placed my beloved Jesus on the road to Golgotha.  He loved us so much that He endured the horrors of the scourging and crucifixion so that we might know the fullness of life in the Father.  We deserve nothing, yet Jesus dies to give us everything.  Love...it gets not greater than the cross.

After venerating the cross myself, I watched as others walked forward to do the same.  It was beautiful to watch at least 100 people kiss the wood of the cross, but I was struck most deeply when I watched the children come forward with their parents.  They approached the cross, kneeling as their parents did, looking to their mom or dad for guidance...mom and dad gently explaining what to do...the children showing their beautiful, innocent love in whatever way they had been told.  It made me smile, knowing the little ones were being shown the beauty of the Lord's love.

Again, looking at the empty tabernacle, I begin to realize the fullness and importance of the Church's truth greater than I had known before.  Without Her, the light of the Eucharist would not be brought into the world.  Without Her, the little ones would not know the story of their Savior...the love of their Savior.  But without the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ, She would not exist, and without His sacrifice, I cannot even imagine how dark and empty the world would be.

As we are reminded of the darkness of the tomb, may we never forget the love of God that brought us out of the tomb and into the light.  May we be selfless like our Lord, truly and deeply loving everyone we encounter, suffering ourselves when we are called to that.  May we always be grateful for what Jesus has won for us.  And In times of difficulty, when we struggle to cling to the crosses we have been asked to carry, may we take strength in our Lord and comfort knowing that one day we will be with Him in paradise.

In His Love,
Lindsey  

Is the Crucifix Enough?

I was so very blessed to spend the weekend with the Dominican Sisters of Hawthorne, a community of women consecrated to Christ who spend their lives caring for terminally ill cancer patients who cannot afford care.  The care is completely free - no payment is accepted from the family of the patients, from insurance, or from the government.  The entire community and apostolate is sustained by God's providence.  It's beautiful!

On my way to this retreat, I was incredibly nervous for many different reasons.  I wasn't sure how God was going to work in my heart and what He was going to ask of me.  I was nervous about the possibility that I might receive an answer to the question I have had for a long time now: Lord, what do You want me to do with my life?  What is the desire You have written on my heart?

As a settled into the cell I would spend the weekend in, I became very fearful.  I wanted to get in my car and drive back to my apartment.  I wanted to cry.  As I left my cell and and walked down the hall, I stopped in front of a statue of our Blessed Mother.  At her feet lay a prayer to the Holy Spirit:

"Come, Holy Spirit, replace the tension within me with a holy relaxation.

Replace the turbulence within me with a sacred calm.

Replace the anxiety within me with a quiet confidence.

Replace the fear within me with a strong faith.

Replace the bitterness within me with the sweetness of grace.

Replace the darkness within me with a gentle light.

Replace the coldness within me with a loving warmth.

Replace the night within me with your light.

Straighten my crookedness.

Fill my emptiness.

Dull the edge of my pride.

Sharpen the edge of my humility.

Light the fire of my love.

Quench the flames of my lust.

Let me see myself as You see me, that I may see You as You have promised, and be fortunate according to Your word: "Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God." (Matthew 5:8)"

It was perfect.  All of the words that I needed to hear in that moment were at the feet of Mary, who was busy crushing the head of the serpent....the serpent who was currently putting all of these fears into my head.  Those feelings and fears were not of God...peace is of God...and after that prayer, I began to feel at peace.  Throughout the weekend, when satan tried to get in my heart and disturb the work that God had been doing, I stopped at that statue and asked the Blessed Mother for help.  Let me tell you, she never disappoints.

I spent my weekend living like one of the sisters - time in prayer, time in the classroom, eating in silence and contemplation, and spending time with the patients.  It was intense in a lot of ways...intensely beautiful, intensely difficult, intensely important.  During my evening dinner rounds with the patients, the intensity was put into perspective.  I spent my dinner rounds spoon feeding a woman who was no longer able to speak.  The only word she could say was "yeah," although it is likely that she no longer knew its meaning, and occasionally laughed.  As I fed her soup tiny sip by tiny sip, she looked up at me and began to chuckle.  Although this woman was dying and the cancer would eventually take her body, there was still a twinkle in her eye that captured me.  It was the beauty of her soul shining through.  The cancer may have her body, but it was clear that Jesus had her soul...and that is who I was feeding.  I was feeding the broken body of Jesus, tiny sip by tiny sip.  I knew in that moment that I would do it forever if that's what He wanted me to do.

Sr. Agnes Marie had told me earlier that day that the life of a consecrated woman is a labor of love.  Love is a complete gift of self - an outpouring of your heart without expecting anything in return.  She described to me that during the past 6 years, God has asked more of her than she thought she could give. When she thought she had given everything she had, it always seemed that God still wanted more.  When the patients were climbing out of bed, other sisters were asking for help, on top of that someone needed her to make a card, and it seemed like there would never be enough time in the day to finish it all, there was one thing that she knew - she needed to be able to look at the crucifix and have it be enough.  And it always was...God always made a way for all of it to be possible.

I spent my last 12 hours with the sisters asking myself that question - is the crucifix enough for me?  Over this past weekend, God may be asking more of me than I think I have to give...my whole self, consecrated only to Him, for the rest of my life.  It will take much more prayer to discern where God is calling me, but I know that God will not ask me to go where He will not sustain me.  Whatever cross God asks me to take up, I know that our Lord will be right there helping me to carry it...replacing fear with faith and darkness with His gentle light.

So I continue to ask myself, is the crucifix enough?  Will I allow the crucifix to sustain me?  Yes.  Yes, Lord...I will.

In His Love,
Lindsey

You Put The Light In Me

The past few weeks have been difficult spiritually.  My heart has been feeling very restless lately - I'm not sure how to describe it.  It doesn't know what it wants...it doesn't know what God wants...and that has been frustrating for me.  I want to fully give myself to God in whatever He is calling me to, but I don't know what that is yet!  I want to move, but I don't know where to go/ feel like I have no where to go.  That was bothering me a lot the past few weeks.

It was hard for me to admit that I was angry.  I was angry with God! (Although clearly I have no right to be).  I knew God was working in my life - He always is...but I didn't think He was working in the places I wanted Him to work.  The sneaky sin of pride had reared its ugly head again.

I went to confession and was blessed with one of the most honest discussions I have ever had.  I expressed that I was angry and frustrated with God and that I was angry with myself - angry that as hard as I try to give all of my fear and anxiety up to God, I always seem to hold on to a little piece every time. That little piece grows and grows until my heart is filled with fear and anxiety again.  I don't know how to stop myself from doing that.  My priest smiled and said, "Welcome to humanity."  It was perfect!

Those three words were the gateway through which God opened my heart to a new realization that day.
This wasn't the first time that my heart had felt this way.  Before I knew Christ, my heart was restless.  It was a similar feeling...I didn't know where I was going, I didn't know where I wanted to go.  But I have one thing now that I didn't have then: Hope.  I have hope in Christ...that He will lead me a guide me to wherever He wants me to go.  And despite all of my fears, anxiety, and stress that I can never fully release, I believe with all of my being that His love will take me through it all.  Christ gives me hope!  This hope and love will get me through these restless times.  And it has.  Just a day later prayers were answered and God brought me peace.  God is good!  All the time!

So through this long, convoluted, and confusing post, I have been trying to get to a song that has been resonating with me this week.  It's "The Light In Me" by Brandon Heath.  My favorite line - "You are the hope that leads me out of the dark."  This song speaks to my heart in a huge way.  God put the light in me and since that day I've never been the same.  Thank You, Lord for putting the light in my heart.  Thank You for always holding me, even when my humanity causes me to let go.  Thank You for giving me the hope that sustains me, the light that guides me, and the love that makes me whole.

A Beautiful Meditation from the Sisters of Life

I received this meditation a few days ago from the Sisters of Life, an incredible order of sisters that I greatly admire.  They have a contagious and inspiring love for the Lord, lived out through their vocation that is firmly rooted in the Eucharist.

This meditation focuses on the Eucharist - how we can receive the Blessed Sacrament in its fullness into our hearts.

The Eucharist is our food for the journey.  It nourishes our soul and gives us strength to continue our walk with Christ.  Receiving the Eucharist is key to our salvation - we should receive it as often as possible while remaining reverent, as each time we encounter the Blessed Sacrament we must remember how the Lord has humbled Himself in order to be physically present under the appearance of bread.  Thank You, Jesus, for the gift of You!

This meditation made me think of how I could receive Jesus in a fuller way in my life, especially in the Eucharist.  I hope you enjoy this meditation as much as I did (and if you do, be sure to thank the Sisters of Life!).

In His Love,
Lindsey

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The word ‘arise’, in the Greek, is the verb to express resurrection from the dead.  So the command to arise is a summons from death to newness of life, to life in abundance, and ultimately to eternal life.

In Luke’s Gospel, we hear the Lord say, “Arise.”

Someone from the synagogue official’s house arrived and said, “Your daughter is dead; do not trouble the teacher any longer.” On hearing this, Jesus answered him, “Do not be afraid; just have faith and she will be saved.” When he arrived at the house he allowed no one to enter with him except Peter, John and James, and the child’s father and mother. All were weeping and mourning for her, when he said, “Do not weep any longer, for she is not dead, but sleeping.” And they ridiculed him, because they knew that she was dead.                                                                                                   

But he took her by the hand and called to her, “Child, arise!” Her breath returned and she immediately arose. He then directed that she should be given something to eat.” (Luke 8: 49-55)

It is His call to us today. Taking us by the hand, Jesus draws us out of the drowsiness of mediocrity, the numbness of mistrust, the fog of sorrow, or the death of sin. He fills us with breath, His very Spirit, the fulfillment of the promise that He would be with us always. And then the unthinkable: Jesus insists we should be given “Something to eat.”

The Eucharist is the source and summit of our life…and yet, even with frequent reception of Holy Communion, we can feel seemingly unchanged. How is it possible for me to receive Jesus and to be cold, to receive fire and to not be inflamed?

How can our time of Holy Communion with the Lord deepen, transforming us and making us new? Preparation prior to Mass and a Thanksgiving afterward have always been invaluable practices to the saints. St. Alphonsus Ligiouri would give himself a pep-talk, “Soul…do you know what is about to happen to you? You are going to meet your CREATOR!!” He recommended 6 acts to prepare oneself for the Mass.

1) An act of faith; Jesus,  I believe you are truly present. 2) An act of confidence; I trust you can move mountains in my life. 3) An act of love ; “I love you God…but oh! Teach me how to love.” (St. JoseMaria Escriva)  4) An act of humility; I am confused by my inconsistency and weakness, and overwhelmed by your condescension in coming to me 5) An act ofcontrition; I am sorry for the ways I have grieved you and 6) an act of desire. I want to receive you Lord…and for You to receive me.

When asked how she could spend so much time in thanksgiving after the Mass, St. Bernadette answered, “I imagine that Our Lady herself is giving me the Child Jesus. I receive him…I speak to Him and He speaks to me.”  We too can marvel at Christ within us, seeing His Adorable Face: the Infant at Bethlehem, the Crucified Savior, the Friend of sinners and tax collectors.  

Jesus said to Simon at Bethany, “When I entered your house, you did not give me a kiss. But she {the sinful woman} has not stopped kissing my feet since the time I entered.” We do not want to be like Simon and leave Jesus unattended! Instead, imitate the woman who loved much because she had been forgiven much and offer many aspirations of love for your Thanksgiving. Let each be like a kiss for Jesus. Jesus is a real person, and He comes to the house of your heart.

Lent: A Call for Conversion

"Penance does not mean sacrifice and self denial in the first place, but a "change of heart," a victory over sin and a striving for holiness.  The sacrifices of fasting and self denial are only means and signs of this spiritual penance.  If people understand this well, they will not put the main effort in Lent on technical feats of abstaining from pleasures (which sometimes makes them proud or vain), but in sincere contrition, prayer and humble fight against their faults." - Fr. Francis X. Weiser, SJ

Jesus in the desert - an image of focus for me this Lent
Thank you to the artist for this beautiful meditation!

In less than an hour, the season of Lent begins, a time when the Church unites herself to the 40 days of temptation that Jesus withstood in the desert.  During these 40 days, we focus on prayer, fasting and almsgiving.  We traditionally give something up/take something up in order discipline ourselves...we say no to the things of the world and yes to God.  We reflect on our own weaknesses, the temptations we continuously fail to withstand, and strive for conversion.

The purpose of the Lenten sacrifice we choose should be to help us to achieve a closer relationship with God.  However, the only way that our sacrifice can do this is if the focus of our sacrifice is Christ, not on our ability to make sacrifices.  The above quote sums it up perfectly...if we focus on the "technicalities" of our sacrifice it can become a "look what I did" kind of thing...sounds a lot like our buddies the pharisees, doesn't it?  However, if we go at our sacrifice with a contrite and humble heart, seriously striving for conversion and union with God, it never becomes about us and remains about Him.

This whole thought process reminded me of a homily I have heard a couple of times by a priest I greatly admire.  Father asks us each year to remember why we receive ashes and why we make a sacrifice during Lent.  Is it just something that we do because we're Catholic and that's what Catholics do or is there a greater purpose behind it?  It's a real question that I know I must constantly reflect on each year during Lent to keep my focus where it needs to be...pride is a sneaky, sneaky sin.

But the beautiful thing about this whole process is that God's grace can change us in profound ways.  If we are aware of our weaknesses and truly strive to overcome them, acknowledging that God's grace is the only way that we can be successful, we have just opened our hearts to a very fruitful and purposeful Lent.

Lent is not an easy journey...I know I have experienced some of my greatest times of temptation and doubt during these 40 days.  But we persevere through this struggle with courage and humility, knowing that it is not in vain, knowing that we will encounter joy in the risen Lord on the other side.

May Christ's all consuming love be at work in your heart this Lent.

In His Love,
Lindsey